The Cycle Repeats.

What is it with people? Is it their hobby or something? Their passion? Something they take pleasure in? A past time? Something that makes them feel alive?

People love to disappoint, don’t they? It’s just that when you start to get closer to somebody and you get to know them, you start to expect things out of them. At first its little things and then big ones. It all goes fine at first and you are high up in the sky on cloud 9. But then the person get’s a sudden urge to pull you down. They disappoint you, in the worst way possible. And it breaks your heart. Shatters it. You cry, you scream but nobody else knows because you keep it to yourself. Soon enough you realize that it was your fault after all. You are the one who expected something. You are the one who gave them the opportunity to break you. And after that, you wipe your tears, you get up and walk away carrying the memory of the pain you felt. You make it a habit never to expect anything out of anybody. You don’t let anybody get close to you. You put up a barrier against people, even the ones you love. You vow to protect yourself from that heartbreak.

But once in a while, a person comes around. A person who makes you want to lower the barrier and to give him a chance. And silly as you are you neglect the memory you carry with you. You forget the pain you felt, the agony you went through. And yet again, you give them the chance. You let them come close. You begin to expect things from them. And once again, you are disappointed. You are broken. You fall, you cry, you scream. You realize your mistake. You wipe your tears, you get up and walk away, this time carrying a new memory of pain with you.

Victory at Last

Yes it’s true I have finally achieved victory. Though it’s some of you may not call it a victory but for it’s a big one. Yesterday I left my guy friend.

So, 5 days earlier I had my birthday. And the thing is that I was expecting this friend, Hamza, to remember it and wish my happy birthday. But he forgot. The surprising thing is that this wasn’t as much of a disappointment for me as in the back of my head i knew he would forget. Lately I hadn’t been on the mood to talk to him either because whenever I thought about him i felt this kind of disgust, i don’t know how to put it in words but well I didn’t want to talk to him. He didn’t even apologise for forgetting my birthday. He is such a moron he treats me like shit but at the same time he expected me to stay by his side when he needed me. I mean like seriously? I am not an option. If you want to be my friend respect me. He was so unpredictable I could never know when he would just stop talking. We would be having an awesome conversation but suddenly he would just ignore my message as if he didn’t give a damn. Then yesterday he contacted me on Facebook (he NEVER calls me, I don’t know why) and there he started abusing me, calling me names saying that he had been through and I didn’t care about him. He apologised then saying that he didn’t have the guts to face me after he forgot my birthday but I honestly didn’t want to talk to him and i said so. that is when the name calling started. I was so furious I would rip his head off. He takes me for granted. I told him that a loved him a short time back and now he thinks that no matter what he does I will go back to him. Yeah as if. It’s like I’m his property. He can treat me in whichever way he likes but still I’ll be with him.

And some time back I may have stayed, but this was just too much. I have been tolerating him for too long. He treats every girl with respect then why me? This is so annoying. And the thing is that i have a VERY low self-esteem and whenever i talk to him it gets even lower. I mean dude, I have a life. I am not gonna waste my precious time on some stupid moron like him who doesn’t even give a damn about me. I have been through every hard time with him and this what i get. He believes that he is the only one with problems and not me.

Even now he expected me to apologise to him. Come on. Who do you think you are? there are plenty of people who are worth spending time with. So yesterday I ended it once and for all. this is what I sent him:

Ok we need to clear this ok. Stop pinning this on me because I am not at fault here. Firstly you hardly ever listen to me. Even now you went on about your problems and you didn’t even care about what I had to say. Hamza, you are not the only one with problems ok? I go through a lot of stuff too. But you don’t even care about that. I don’t even share my problems with you anymore because you find it so annoying. And one more thing, stop taking me for granted. Just because I told you that I loved you doesn’t mean I’m your property now. you should know that it took every ounce of what little courage I have. And I knew that you would never accept me in that way. Sometimes I doubt if you ever even accepted me as a friend let alone a bestfriend. Am I just an option for you? If that is what you take me as then believe me I can leave you as a choice. Just because I give importance to you doesn’t mean that I’m free all the time. You treat me like shit and then you expect me to stay. Like seriously hamza? You are the one who is heartless. You know at one point you ignoring me didn’t bother me as much because I thought you were like that with everyone. Then I saw that no I’m the only one being treated like shit. It’s not just about sara, you treat every girl you like with respect and those that respect you, you don’t give a fuck about them. You are so unpredictable, a Person..oh sorry an optional friend, can never know when you are going to ditch them. And if i don’t reply you, you get so sentimental. What right do you have to ask me if i don’t want to talk to you ya if i don’t prefer you? And this is not just about forgetting my birthday it’s a lot more. Because I know you came online that day, it’s just the fact that I’m not so important that you would remember my birthday. Ok if that’s so, fine. And if you think that I would never leave you no matter how bitchy you are to me? Well you’d better think again because I have been forgiving you to the extreme. I can’t take this anymore, I will not push myself further to tolerate anymore of this fucking shit. I have a Very low self-esteem and I’m not gonna ruin what little confidence I have in myself by wasting my time over you. Self-esteem is all a girl has and being one I’m not so stupid to waste my time over you. This is not attitude or an ego issue. This is being sensible and righting the wrongs I have done. 
P.S Happy Birthday

(After this message I left him completely and the strange thing is that now he was trying to make a conversation with me. Now, when his efforts to talk to me don’t matter anymore. God such a dumbass. )

And you know what the best part about all this was? I felt so good after doing this. I was smiling. People supported me  . My two bestfriends, his own bestfriend called him a bastard for me, and another guy friend. They were all there for me and they made me feel so good. This morning when I woke up I smiled because I knew that I had done the right thing and everything will be alright.

Now I don’t know about the future whether I will miss him or not. But for now I’m happy.  And I’m finally feeling good about myself.