Okay so lately, I’ve become this hateful kind of person. My friends call me the hater of the world. And it’s kind of true. I am a hater. I do not normally like people. I mean when I meet someone, my first instinct is to hate that person. Plus I have rash thoughts. I basically want to murder everybody. I can not tolerate much anymore. Not only this, I don’t feel anything anymore either. It’s like I’m numb. I am completely devoid of all feeling. Even if I want to, I don’t feel anything anymore.
It’s kind of sad. I used to be sweet and kind. I used to be able to feel. Now I’m just awkward waiting for something to happen. But then again, when my friends call me heartless I secretly feel satisfied that now even if somebody tried they wouldn’t be able to hurt me. Their words would make no difference. It was my sweetness that was taken advantage of. My kindness used. My generosity taken for granted. Nobody can damage me now, but the real truth is I’m already damaged. Perhaps far too damaged to be saved.
What is it with people? Is it their hobby or something? Their passion? Something they take pleasure in? A past time? Something that makes them feel alive?
People love to disappoint, don’t they? It’s just that when you start to get closer to somebody and you get to know them, you start to expect things out of them. At first its little things and then big ones. It all goes fine at first and you are high up in the sky on cloud 9. But then the person get’s a sudden urge to pull you down. They disappoint you, in the worst way possible. And it breaks your heart. Shatters it. You cry, you scream but nobody else knows because you keep it to yourself. Soon enough you realize that it was your fault after all. You are the one who expected something. You are the one who gave them the opportunity to break you. And after that, you wipe your tears, you get up and walk away carrying the memory of the pain you felt. You make it a habit never to expect anything out of anybody. You don’t let anybody get close to you. You put up a barrier against people, even the ones you love. You vow to protect yourself from that heartbreak.
But once in a while, a person comes around. A person who makes you want to lower the barrier and to give him a chance. And silly as you are you neglect the memory you carry with you. You forget the pain you felt, the agony you went through. And yet again, you give them the chance. You let them come close. You begin to expect things from them. And once again, you are disappointed. You are broken. You fall, you cry, you scream. You realize your mistake. You wipe your tears, you get up and walk away, this time carrying a new memory of pain with you.
Well it’s a little late for Friday post considering it’s Saturday night here but I totally forgot about this and so I’m doing this now.
So, while getting to know myself better I realized that I have a tendency to build barriers against the people I love or those that are close to me. To be honest I think it started during the summer vacations. I don’t know how or why I started doing this but I do know that why I do this now.
It’s actually quite simple: I’m sick of getting hurt. I am just sick of people walking all over me and not realizing it. When I get close to someone I begin to expect things from them. It’s like a create a whole different person made out of expectations. Like a model or statue of clay but I imagine one made of glass. At the heart of this model lies my heart. But the thing with people is that hey love to disappoint. They just come in and break that whole statue, shatter the glass and my heart. And this just keep happening over and over again. It’s like a pattern. I build the statue and they break it.
Well so in order to avoid this heart-break I just cut off the person way before I build any statues and they get any opportunity to break it. I just won’t let anybody get close to me anymore. I know, I know, it sounds stupid but I can’t help it. When you let someone get close to you, when you trust somebody you basically give them the power to break yet you trust them not to. So, why should I give anybody the power to break me? That’s why I build barriers. I simply block the people off. No need to get any closer. Keep your distance. Peace.
PS. I’ll probably elaborate on this later. Right now I am too pissed off to think straight.
Do we have any mind readers in the crowd? Anyone? Anyone?
No? I thought so. The reason for that is they DO NOT EXIST.
So we all know they don’t exist yet we still believe that our certain friends are mind readers. What I mean to say is that there are people who are sitting miles away from you and they think that without any kind of communication you would automatically know that they are upset/happy. I mean seriously? That is just plain stupid. You are feeling upset, you need someone but they don’t know because you didn’t tell them. If you want someone to be on your side why don’t you just go and tell them that? What’s so wrong in that? All you gotta do is tell them you are upset. The rest is up to them.
Now, if you prefer to keep your emotions to yourself, you should at least have the decency not to blame it on somebody else. You preferred to keep it to yourself, that was your choice. There are people there who don’t need to be told you are upset but that is when you are talking and you seem down. That’s how they figure it out; by the your tone. But that too, only happens when you actually talk. Lack of communication won’t take you anywhere.
A good book + Winter + Under the blankets + Coffee = Paradise.
I am so in love with books that if you were to trap me in a room with no communication with the world outside and good books all around me, I could last very long. It’s just that books fascinate me. The fact that someone somewhere who might even be dead knows you although you have never met them. Their words touch your heart in way actions can’t. Their words have the power to bring you to tears and make you smile and laugh.They are speaking clearly and directly to you. When I’ve finished a good book I feel a sense of being complete and a sadness that it’s over. Books are like best friends, and really good ones too. They never betray you or lie to you. They are there for you even after years of being neglected. To me reading a book is like living another life, on you can return to every now and then during the day. It’s a life you can love over and over again. And frankly speaking, I would choose that life over this one any day.
A few years back, my mom said something to me and that sentence still rings in my ear every time I’m about to do something wrong. She said, “Never do such an act that compels you to hide it from your mom.” See every one of has a different point of view about things. For example; for some coming home late is no big deal but for others it is considered a big issue. Our values are related to our surroundings. Our friends and family have the same school of thought. if you are doing something so shameful that you can’t even bother telling your mother or your friends about it then surely it is wrong. They are bound to disapprove of your actions because that is not who you are. Deep down, even you know that what you are doing is wrong which is the main reason why you prefer to keep it a secret. Never do something that contradicts your character. It’s wrong and you know it.
I recently had a couple of counseling sessions with the Co-ordinator of our section which was a result of me doing something that got me in trouble. Anyhow, those two session made me realize something about us. Most of us make descisions according to the people involved rather than our values. Our values are basically the our own personal laws. Often we make descision out of peer pressure or merely to do a favor or please somebody. Those descision usually disagree with our values. I myself have made descisions like those. Dares that I didn’t want to do but I completed them just for the sake of the people around me. We know that what we are doing is wrong yet we silence our conscience and continue to do the wrong because of people. But how important are people when you yourself aren’t important in your own eyes? When you don’t respect your values and yourself then nobody respects you. Because on people’s eyes you are only what you appear to be. True appearances don’t matter, but you don’t need to potray an image that disagrees with your personality delibrately.
I recently just finished reading this book and I have one word for it; AMAZING! It was beautifully written and the emotions and the hardships are so vivid and real that as you go along reading you become lost in it with the characters and you can almost see the story unwinding before your eyes. Khaled Hosseini is a gifted author and the picture he paints in our mind with his words is so accurate and mesmerizing that you find it hard to set down the book.
The way he writes about Hassan’s undeniable loyalty towards Amir is so beautiful. And this is actually true, there are a lot of friends that are so loyal that they would sacrifice their own lives for their friends’ sake and had they stumble upon such a mishappen Hassan would’ve done just that. It’s beautiful the way Hosseini molds Amir’s character in our minds, a good boy with tinge of evil. That is what is realistic. Although Amir is the main character, we see a lot of flaws in him. He gets jealous, he takes advantages of Hassan’s inabilities and most of all he doesn’t have the courage to stand up to what’s wrong. However, we still fall in love with those characters.
The violence that Hosseini shows in Afghanistan it is actually quite acurate. The talibans are truly soul-less animals. They have no value for life and their hearts are made of stone andthey do not feel a thing when they kill an innocent person. Like it is said in the book, they aren’t what they call themselves. They are not following the path of Islam because Islam strictly forbids all Muslims to take an innocent person’s life. What Assef did, killing all those Hazara Shi’aas was the most savage act. True Shi’aas and Sunnis have a lot of disputes but above all we are all Muslims and we do not kill our brothers and sisters. The taliban are not even humans let alone Muslims. As Muslims we aren’t even allowed to force a person into accepting Islam. Being a Pakistani, I can relate to the violence and injustice happening in Afghanistan. Recently a bomb blast killed all the Hazaras in their land and it was a real tragedy. It broke our hearts. It’s saddening how violence and weapons take the life of many almost everday and not a single one of us is bold enough to raise our voices.
There are some books that, even after you have turned the last page, make you feel complete and satisfied. This book was one of them especially because it had a beautiful ending, filled with hope and happiness. It talks about a new start. A little part of the old mixed with the new.
I read this saying somewhere that, “Hate is just love gone bad.” At that time I hadn’t given much thought to it. I had no idea how much I would begin to relate to it later in my life. True hate is like a fire that burns inside from the bottom of your heart for that one person. The one person who wrecked you, tore you apart piece by piece. Who could have gotten such access to your heart other that the one you love most? You gave them a chance and opened the doors of ypur heart for them and they entered full loaded with the most deadly weapons. But despite this tragedy, deep down you still love them.