I’ve come to a point where I no longer trust anybody. I don’t let anybody come close to me. Because trust for me is letting someone come close to you and opening yourself up to them. Exposing yourself to them, letting them see your weaknesses, relying on them, depending on them for your happiness and letting them into your heart. Because when they leave, it feels like they took a piece of you away with them, ripped out your heart, you feel exposed like being stripped naked in front of the whole world and the hollow space they leave where they once resided in your heart, aches and burns like it’s on fire and frankly it seems that way as well. And in the end, all you can do is watch them walk away, while you stand amongst the rubble and wreckage of what was once your soul.
Is it normal for you to exchange your Facebook passwords with your guy friend? Well, forme something so insignificant as a Facebook password isn’t really a big deal but well he is different and to him it is. Anyhow so we exchanged passwords at the start he had forbidden me to look at his messages but later on he said it was okay and we both read each others conversations and it wasn’t such a big deal because we were open to each other and we trusted each other. But after I read his chat with my best friend, I feel hesitant to log into his ID. See, the other day he called me and he said that he wanted to make her his girlfriend because he felt that she would be serious with him and later that night they were flirting with each other, in a friendly way and they may not have any such intentions but maybe they weren’t and I’m just trying to reassure myself. I just feel so insecure and I have no idea what to do (I have kind of developed feelings for him and she knows about it). Then the other day I logged in to delete some message from our conversation and I read their conversation again and this time he really said it out to her that he would want her to be his girlfriend and she was all armed and ready to flirt. I am kind of stuck here. I have no right whatsoever to talk to either of them about this because 1. I am not his girlfriend to be upset at this and he is not committed to me. 2. I have absolutely no right over them. 3. Who am I the one to poke my nose in their business? 4. What reason do I have to be upset?
As much as I realize all my faults I can’t seem to help the situation. And now, before I log into his ID even for something important I have to think about it at least ten times. And when I do read their conversations depression sweeps over me. I have no idea what to do. Is it really justified for her to flirt with him even as a joke? What if they accidentally fall in love during this whole joke? Or am I just over-reacting? Should I even care about both of them anymore? Am I being a true friend?
Some of us underestimate the people around us. Some of us take them for granted. But some of us are so haunted by our pasts that we become paranoid. It takes a great lot of effort for us to get past are paranoia and start trusting people. With time though, we become more comfortable and start relying on those relationships. We are so into these relationships that we are willing to put in our 100% no matter how much effort it takes and we finally let go of our comfort zones. Sometimes, people take advantage of our efforts and take them for granted thinking that we will be there forever to serve as their past time when nobody else is around. This is what pushes us back into our little shell, which we left after a lot of effort. We are so innocent that we don’t even bother to say a word and just try to fade away, sometimes as a test or a way out without a fuss. What really hurts us is when we finally manage to disappear and the person doesn’t even notice. It was like we were never there. And that is what breaks us and we curl up in a ball in our own little shell hoping to die and vowing to never come out.
Why is it that I’m always surrounded by two-faced, lying hypocrites? They one person to my face but in front of anybody else they become someone else entirely. Sometimes it feels as if I’m on one side, alone, fighting everybody. It’s as if everybody is from this grown up world and I’m from the kiddy world and they can just come to me lie to my face and leave just like that and I would never know the truth. I mean how stupid do I look to you? They think I’m too much an idiot to notice their lies. And sometimes I truly do feel like a dumbass. I mean, I always put my 100% in every relationship. I never keep secrets, avoid miscommunication, I give them time and space, i trust them and believe them blindly and they just go on to prove that I shouldn’t. Sometimes I feel like I’m just another option to all of them, when everybody else in the world is gone they come to me with their problems. It’s not as if I mind them sharing stuff with me, in fact I love it, but why always the bad stuff? Why don’t they ever tell me the good things that happen? And the worst part is that I can’t leave them. I can’t, i just can’t. Even if I do, I’ll just come back. I can’t be heartless and people just go on and take advantage of my weakness, playing with my heart as if it’s some toy that’s in their possession and will stay there forever, which it probably will.