Because, you are my drug and I’m addicted to you ❤
PS. That tumblr address at the corner is my tumblr blog 🙂
Because, you are my drug and I’m addicted to you ❤
PS. That tumblr address at the corner is my tumblr blog 🙂
Okay so lately, I’ve become this hateful kind of person. My friends call me the hater of the world. And it’s kind of true. I am a hater. I do not normally like people. I mean when I meet someone, my first instinct is to hate that person. Plus I have rash thoughts. I basically want to murder everybody. I can not tolerate much anymore. Not only this, I don’t feel anything anymore either. It’s like I’m numb. I am completely devoid of all feeling. Even if I want to, I don’t feel anything anymore.
It’s kind of sad. I used to be sweet and kind. I used to be able to feel. Now I’m just awkward waiting for something to happen. But then again, when my friends call me heartless I secretly feel satisfied that now even if somebody tried they wouldn’t be able to hurt me. Their words would make no difference. It was my sweetness that was taken advantage of. My kindness used. My generosity taken for granted. Nobody can damage me now, but the real truth is I’m already damaged. Perhaps far too damaged to be saved.
This weeks post is a picture. (And it’s on time. Yippeee :D)
Sometimes, I wish I could just run away and never look back. I wish to explore the world and the people in it. I wish to know myself.
Image Source: Tumblr.
Okay I am late again. Sorry :3 But anyways.. Happy New Year!! 😀 I know I am late for that, too. Sorry, again.
Every New year we all go like, “New year, new me.” We make a list of resolutions to change ourselves, be a better person, make a difference, achieve something, blah blah blah. We even make the efforts but a few days in and we forget those resolutions and we are back to our old habits. The point I’m trying to make is not that we can’t change but the fact that we don’t need the New Year to make that effort. I believe that if you want to change you would start making an effort right now. Forget new year’s eve, every new day brings you an opportunity to start over. It’s your day, your moment, your life. You can be anything that you want to be. Doesn’t matter if it’s new year’s eve, 3 in the morning, mid of July, of 5 in the afternoon; if you want to make a difference you should make an effort to do so.
And there are some like me. For the past 3-4 years I have been trying to keep a daily diary. Like for the first few days of every January I would write an entry. As the days would go by, I would either forget or be too lazy. The entries became infrequent until they stopped altogether. I’m some of you of have been there. So this year I will try something different: a Memory Jar. Basically what you do is write down a one-liner or a small paragraph about something that made you happy on a piece of paper and put that paper in a jar. And you do this through-out the year and at the end of the year you empty the jar and read those pieces of paper. So this way your memories would be preserved and you can take out and read your memories whenever you want. 🙂
I found this post with these amazing ideas. You should check it out: http://www.steamykitchen.com/19992-memory-jar.html
What is it with people? Is it their hobby or something? Their passion? Something they take pleasure in? A past time? Something that makes them feel alive?
People love to disappoint, don’t they? It’s just that when you start to get closer to somebody and you get to know them, you start to expect things out of them. At first its little things and then big ones. It all goes fine at first and you are high up in the sky on cloud 9. But then the person get’s a sudden urge to pull you down. They disappoint you, in the worst way possible. And it breaks your heart. Shatters it. You cry, you scream but nobody else knows because you keep it to yourself. Soon enough you realize that it was your fault after all. You are the one who expected something. You are the one who gave them the opportunity to break you. And after that, you wipe your tears, you get up and walk away carrying the memory of the pain you felt. You make it a habit never to expect anything out of anybody. You don’t let anybody get close to you. You put up a barrier against people, even the ones you love. You vow to protect yourself from that heartbreak.
But once in a while, a person comes around. A person who makes you want to lower the barrier and to give him a chance. And silly as you are you neglect the memory you carry with you. You forget the pain you felt, the agony you went through. And yet again, you give them the chance. You let them come close. You begin to expect things from them. And once again, you are disappointed. You are broken. You fall, you cry, you scream. You realize your mistake. You wipe your tears, you get up and walk away, this time carrying a new memory of pain with you.
Well it’s a little late for Friday post considering it’s Saturday night here but I totally forgot about this and so I’m doing this now.
So, while getting to know myself better I realized that I have a tendency to build barriers against the people I love or those that are close to me. To be honest I think it started during the summer vacations. I don’t know how or why I started doing this but I do know that why I do this now.
It’s actually quite simple: I’m sick of getting hurt. I am just sick of people walking all over me and not realizing it. When I get close to someone I begin to expect things from them. It’s like a create a whole different person made out of expectations. Like a model or statue of clay but I imagine one made of glass. At the heart of this model lies my heart. But the thing with people is that hey love to disappoint. They just come in and break that whole statue, shatter the glass and my heart. And this just keep happening over and over again. It’s like a pattern. I build the statue and they break it.
Well so in order to avoid this heart-break I just cut off the person way before I build any statues and they get any opportunity to break it. I just won’t let anybody get close to me anymore. I know, I know, it sounds stupid but I can’t help it. When you let someone get close to you, when you trust somebody you basically give them the power to break yet you trust them not to. So, why should I give anybody the power to break me? That’s why I build barriers. I simply block the people off. No need to get any closer. Keep your distance. Peace.
PS. I’ll probably elaborate on this later. Right now I am too pissed off to think straight.
Recently I’ve realized something; you will always feel weak and vulnerable unless you know yourself well and accept yourself the way you are.
Knowing yourself well includes knowing your good and bad qualities, the way you react to certain kinds of people, what are your feelings on certain kinds of occasions. Earlier on I was always more or less surprised at my own reactions at times or confused as to what made triggered such and such reaction in me. However lately I’ve begun to analyze myself a lot. I notice the kind of thoughts that rush into my mind as a reaction to the situation. Though I don’t ponder over it there and then obviously because I am so overcome with emotion but later on I do think about it and I know myself much clearly now.
Accepting yourself for who you are is more or less the most integral part of your personality. When you aren’t ready to accept yourself for who you are you mostly try to change yourself usually around the example of someone else. Which is bad for you. It could break you. It’s what leads to insecurities which again is not good. When you accept yourself for who you are you begin to appreciate yourself for the good qualities in you and try to improve yourself for the bad qualities.
At the end, when you know yourself well you are in control of yourself and you know what kind of reaction you might give and you try to avoid the more violent ones.
Do we have any mind readers in the crowd? Anyone? Anyone?
No? I thought so. The reason for that is they DO NOT EXIST.
So we all know they don’t exist yet we still believe that our certain friends are mind readers. What I mean to say is that there are people who are sitting miles away from you and they think that without any kind of communication you would automatically know that they are upset/happy. I mean seriously? That is just plain stupid. You are feeling upset, you need someone but they don’t know because you didn’t tell them. If you want someone to be on your side why don’t you just go and tell them that? What’s so wrong in that? All you gotta do is tell them you are upset. The rest is up to them.
Now, if you prefer to keep your emotions to yourself, you should at least have the decency not to blame it on somebody else. You preferred to keep it to yourself, that was your choice. There are people there who don’t need to be told you are upset but that is when you are talking and you seem down. That’s how they figure it out; by the your tone. But that too, only happens when you actually talk. Lack of communication won’t take you anywhere.
A good book + Winter + Under the blankets + Coffee = Paradise.
I am so in love with books that if you were to trap me in a room with no communication with the world outside and good books all around me, I could last very long. It’s just that books fascinate me. The fact that someone somewhere who might even be dead knows you although you have never met them. Their words touch your heart in way actions can’t. Their words have the power to bring you to tears and make you smile and laugh.They are speaking clearly and directly to you. When I’ve finished a good book I feel a sense of being complete and a sadness that it’s over. Books are like best friends, and really good ones too. They never betray you or lie to you. They are there for you even after years of being neglected. To me reading a book is like living another life, on you can return to every now and then during the day. It’s a life you can love over and over again. And frankly speaking, I would choose that life over this one any day.
It’s a shame to see people trying to make money by selling books at unreasonably high prices. I am a Pakistani and trust me when I say this, some people are really big assholes here. There is only one shop that sells original books i.e. The Liberty Bookstore. But even if they wouldn’t be selling books it won’t make much of a difference because they have a lot of god books but those books are so unreasonably expensive that you just get a few seconds to admire then your eyes fall on the price tag and you put it back on the shelf and walk away in shame. If it’s not that then the only option I have is to read them online. But online reading is usually the last option. Online reading is boring. It’s not the same as holding the book in your hand, turning the pages. You can’t even smell them. Plus, most of the books aren’t even available online. So yesterday I went to the Liberty Bookstore and I felt like crying. There was this whole shelf of Young Adult books and they had these amazing books. I have a whole list of books I want to read and they were all there. I have bought some books from there earlier but with time they increased the prices. In my honest opinion, books should be free. Like in libraries. But there aren’t ay good libraries here either. My school library is so outdated, it has books by authors nobody has ever heard of. The good books like The Alchemist, The Lovely Bones, etc that should be available to students are in the teacher’s resources section and banned to the students. I guess there isn’t much of a reading tradition here in Pakistan.
Just a girl who a little bit geeky, loves a good book, and is slightly obsessed with music trying to navigate a new life after divorce.
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