I’ve come to a point where I no longer trust anybody. I don’t let anybody come close to me. Because trust for me is letting someone come close to you and opening yourself up to them. Exposing yourself to them, letting them see your weaknesses, relying on them, depending on them for your happiness and letting them into your heart. Because when they leave, it feels like they took a piece of you away with them, ripped out your heart, you feel exposed like being stripped naked in front of the whole world and the hollow space they leave where they once resided in your heart, aches and burns like it’s on fire and frankly it seems that way as well. And in the end, all you can do is watch them walk away, while you stand amongst the rubble and wreckage of what was once your soul.
Because, you are my drug and I’m addicted to you ❤
PS. That tumblr address at the corner is my tumblr blog 🙂
What is it with people? Is it their hobby or something? Their passion? Something they take pleasure in? A past time? Something that makes them feel alive?
People love to disappoint, don’t they? It’s just that when you start to get closer to somebody and you get to know them, you start to expect things out of them. At first its little things and then big ones. It all goes fine at first and you are high up in the sky on cloud 9. But then the person get’s a sudden urge to pull you down. They disappoint you, in the worst way possible. And it breaks your heart. Shatters it. You cry, you scream but nobody else knows because you keep it to yourself. Soon enough you realize that it was your fault after all. You are the one who expected something. You are the one who gave them the opportunity to break you. And after that, you wipe your tears, you get up and walk away carrying the memory of the pain you felt. You make it a habit never to expect anything out of anybody. You don’t let anybody get close to you. You put up a barrier against people, even the ones you love. You vow to protect yourself from that heartbreak.
But once in a while, a person comes around. A person who makes you want to lower the barrier and to give him a chance. And silly as you are you neglect the memory you carry with you. You forget the pain you felt, the agony you went through. And yet again, you give them the chance. You let them come close. You begin to expect things from them. And once again, you are disappointed. You are broken. You fall, you cry, you scream. You realize your mistake. You wipe your tears, you get up and walk away, this time carrying a new memory of pain with you.
Well it’s a little late for Friday post considering it’s Saturday night here but I totally forgot about this and so I’m doing this now.
So, while getting to know myself better I realized that I have a tendency to build barriers against the people I love or those that are close to me. To be honest I think it started during the summer vacations. I don’t know how or why I started doing this but I do know that why I do this now.
It’s actually quite simple: I’m sick of getting hurt. I am just sick of people walking all over me and not realizing it. When I get close to someone I begin to expect things from them. It’s like a create a whole different person made out of expectations. Like a model or statue of clay but I imagine one made of glass. At the heart of this model lies my heart. But the thing with people is that hey love to disappoint. They just come in and break that whole statue, shatter the glass and my heart. And this just keep happening over and over again. It’s like a pattern. I build the statue and they break it.
Well so in order to avoid this heart-break I just cut off the person way before I build any statues and they get any opportunity to break it. I just won’t let anybody get close to me anymore. I know, I know, it sounds stupid but I can’t help it. When you let someone get close to you, when you trust somebody you basically give them the power to break yet you trust them not to. So, why should I give anybody the power to break me? That’s why I build barriers. I simply block the people off. No need to get any closer. Keep your distance. Peace.
PS. I’ll probably elaborate on this later. Right now I am too pissed off to think straight.
Do we have any mind readers in the crowd? Anyone? Anyone?
No? I thought so. The reason for that is they DO NOT EXIST.
So we all know they don’t exist yet we still believe that our certain friends are mind readers. What I mean to say is that there are people who are sitting miles away from you and they think that without any kind of communication you would automatically know that they are upset/happy. I mean seriously? That is just plain stupid. You are feeling upset, you need someone but they don’t know because you didn’t tell them. If you want someone to be on your side why don’t you just go and tell them that? What’s so wrong in that? All you gotta do is tell them you are upset. The rest is up to them.
Now, if you prefer to keep your emotions to yourself, you should at least have the decency not to blame it on somebody else. You preferred to keep it to yourself, that was your choice. There are people there who don’t need to be told you are upset but that is when you are talking and you seem down. That’s how they figure it out; by the your tone. But that too, only happens when you actually talk. Lack of communication won’t take you anywhere.
I read this saying somewhere that, “Hate is just love gone bad.” At that time I hadn’t given much thought to it. I had no idea how much I would begin to relate to it later in my life. True hate is like a fire that burns inside from the bottom of your heart for that one person. The one person who wrecked you, tore you apart piece by piece. Who could have gotten such access to your heart other that the one you love most? You gave them a chance and opened the doors of ypur heart for them and they entered full loaded with the most deadly weapons. But despite this tragedy, deep down you still love them.
The world is a small place where each individual fights a battle of his own. Some of these battles are right in front of our eyes and we see them clearly. Others are fought behind our backs, alone. They are disguised by smiles that never touch the weary eyes.
As it is, I happen to be a firm believer in this. Most of us are and we do tend to move on from our horrible pasts and forget about it sooner or later. But there are some of us who have committed such mistakes in our pasts that we find it hard to let go. I have a friend who is suffering from a similar situation. Two years ago, she made a mistake. Though, nobody other than us knows about it, she is unable to forget it or forgive herself for committing it in the first place. She states that forgetting it and moving on won’t change what she did. But regretting over it won’t either. It’s easy to understand that it hasn’t been long since this unfortunate event and it’s quite reasonable for her to be upset over it but for how long does she want to put up with this regret?
She refuses to get into any relationship with any guy or even get close to a guy because as we all know that in a relationship, be it love or just friendship, it can not start with secrets. In order to keep a healthy relationship we have to keep ourselves open. She fears that if she tells somebody about her past, no matter how close they have gotten, the person will not accept herpast and will eventually start hating her for it. It will change their whole perspective about her and she will lose them. This is quite reasonable because not many guys accept a girl’s ugly past. They just can’t accept that there was someone before them. No matter how long ago it happened, it will affect them whether they decide to show it or not and later on in the long run, this topic of discussion will come up in the numerous arguments that they will go through. It’s like a stab of pain whenever they think about it. Same is the case with girls.
Ah girls! Jealous, jealous girls! (Stop smirking, I am one of them!) We (Yes, I’ll speak in first-person now) don’t like the idea of another girl with our guy. The thought is infuriating. I have to admit, this behavior is quite irrational. I mean what’s happened in the past in is in the past. It’s won’t happen again so we can let go of our held-up breaths. We all need to move on. And moving on doesn’t just mean living on with our life. It means forgetting it. Completely. It may seem hard but we need to realize that the person who we are with right now loves us unconditionally. If he/she was still attached to his past lovers then he would be with them and not with us. It’s as simple as that.
My friend also changed a lot. changes that can be termed both as good and bad. The good part is that she realized her limits with everybody. She knows when to stop when things start to get too far. The bad part, however, is that she realized her limits and backs off abruptly, leaving the person hurt and wounded. She says that these changes have saved her from many situations that could hurt her. Obviously, from what she has been through it is only natural that she is protecting herself but God, she doesn’t have to punish others.
Well, so I had a long conversation with her regarding this topic but the stubborn girl that she is she is adamant on her thoughts. I think that we shouldn’t exactly forget our past but remember it in a good way, so in the future we can avoid such mistakes and make the best out of them. Others’ pasts however are not so significant as they are gone and now we are the ones that matter. Cheers.
Thankyou for it is because of you that I learnt to walk on my own. I needed to do so, because in the end, we are all alone. It’s just me and nobody else because when darkness dawns upon us even our shadows leave our side. We came into this world, alone, and we will leave this world, alone. I don’t want to be dependant on your or anybody for that matter. I learnt to let go without anybody’s support. I can support myself and I will walk under the bare, unlit sky and make the dark journey through life on my own. I will spread my wings and learn to fly all alone.
I was wrong. About my best friend being the bad guy in my previous post, (Over-reacting? Or Just Insecure), it was my guy-friend. He flirted with her, knowing that I love him and that she is my best friend. My best friend on the other hand was just reacting to him the way she always does. And what’s more; he takes my feelings as a joke. What’s most annoying is that I keep trying to fool myself and everybody else that he actually loves me. In the end I’m nothing but his second/ alternative choice. When his girlfriend dumps him that’s when he comes to me. I am constantly trying to blind myself from the reality. We always go through the same fights, same conversations. He loves me for 4 days, he forgets me, I get angry and upset, I leave, he comes back to me crying and I accept him, just like that. Am I ever gonna learn? I don’t want to let him go, even though I am aware of his attitude towards me. I keep assuring myself that it’s gonna be okay in the end, he will realize my value, he will realize my true worth and everything will be okay. but I’m not sure if i want to be his leftover, because that is what I really am. Every time. I am so hopeless. I mean, I can’t let go of this one guy. I feel almost scared at the thought of losing him because I think that every girl deserves a guy friend and he is my only guy friend and this sucks so much because I hate depending on someone. I hate it when my mood and my day depends on someone. I absolutely hate it. I mean, why should my mood be affected by someone who doesn’t even care about my feelings. I’d rather stay isolated than depend on anyone. I mean he completely forgets me, as if I don’t even exist. And I always message him first and every time I decide that I won’t but I always end up doing it. It’s like I’m putting all my effort in this friendship and if it wasn’t this we wouldn’t have been friends now. And if I decide to part myself from him (and I do) he just comes back to me asking me to come back to him and that he valued me the most out of everyone and I believe him because I want to. Because I desperately want to believe him. He would rather take some new girl as his girlfriend, he prefers a girl, who doesn’t value him, over me. He flirts with someone who hurts him but I don’t even come close to that category because, like he put it, ‘if we get in a relationship our friendship will be lost.’ I don’t want such friendships. So I just pray to God to give me enough strength to let him go and this time without anyody’s support. I want to learn to walk on my own.