What is it with people? Is it their hobby or something? Their passion? Something they take pleasure in? A past time? Something that makes them feel alive?
People love to disappoint, don’t they? It’s just that when you start to get closer to somebody and you get to know them, you start to expect things out of them. At first its little things and then big ones. It all goes fine at first and you are high up in the sky on cloud 9. But then the person get’s a sudden urge to pull you down. They disappoint you, in the worst way possible. And it breaks your heart. Shatters it. You cry, you scream but nobody else knows because you keep it to yourself. Soon enough you realize that it was your fault after all. You are the one who expected something. You are the one who gave them the opportunity to break you. And after that, you wipe your tears, you get up and walk away carrying the memory of the pain you felt. You make it a habit never to expect anything out of anybody. You don’t let anybody get close to you. You put up a barrier against people, even the ones you love. You vow to protect yourself from that heartbreak.
But once in a while, a person comes around. A person who makes you want to lower the barrier and to give him a chance. And silly as you are you neglect the memory you carry with you. You forget the pain you felt, the agony you went through. And yet again, you give them the chance. You let them come close. You begin to expect things from them. And once again, you are disappointed. You are broken. You fall, you cry, you scream. You realize your mistake. You wipe your tears, you get up and walk away, this time carrying a new memory of pain with you.
Well it’s a little late for Friday post considering it’s Saturday night here but I totally forgot about this and so I’m doing this now.
So, while getting to know myself better I realized that I have a tendency to build barriers against the people I love or those that are close to me. To be honest I think it started during the summer vacations. I don’t know how or why I started doing this but I do know that why I do this now.
It’s actually quite simple: I’m sick of getting hurt. I am just sick of people walking all over me and not realizing it. When I get close to someone I begin to expect things from them. It’s like a create a whole different person made out of expectations. Like a model or statue of clay but I imagine one made of glass. At the heart of this model lies my heart. But the thing with people is that hey love to disappoint. They just come in and break that whole statue, shatter the glass and my heart. And this just keep happening over and over again. It’s like a pattern. I build the statue and they break it.
Well so in order to avoid this heart-break I just cut off the person way before I build any statues and they get any opportunity to break it. I just won’t let anybody get close to me anymore. I know, I know, it sounds stupid but I can’t help it. When you let someone get close to you, when you trust somebody you basically give them the power to break yet you trust them not to. So, why should I give anybody the power to break me? That’s why I build barriers. I simply block the people off. No need to get any closer. Keep your distance. Peace.
PS. I’ll probably elaborate on this later. Right now I am too pissed off to think straight.
Growing up is tough. We all have been through it and we all agree that it is not a bed of roses. The process of growing up is like refining process of diamonds. We get hurt a lot of times but in the end we emerge beautiful and flawless.
Growing up is something we have to do on our own. We have to pave our own way and walk it alone. I am still growing up and to be honest it is a scary experience. I need to make my own decisions because the choices that I make today will create the person I will be tomorrow. Many a time I have found myself stuck at crossroads, unable to make the right decision. I get confused between what I want and what is actually right for me. Growing up comes with a lot of responsibilites and expectations. It’s like a game of paintball; all sorts of responsibilties and challenges are hurled at you from all directions. Sometimes it all seems too much but we just need to balance it all out. Sometimes I am expected to act like an adult but remain a child. I am often told to control my wild imaginations and act mature however I am never given a chance to prove my maturity. At times I just feel like runing away from all of it. It’s like I am stuck in a room of mirrors where every mirror shows me a way out but all they do is drag me further in. But growing up is something that I would never take back. It has taught me valuable lessons of life. While growing up I have fought the fiercest battles and conquered my greatest fears. I have made numerous mistake and learnt from them.
While growing up we all struggle to survive. We fall, we cry,we get up and walk away. It is the worst and the best time of our lives. I want to make the most of this time and strive for a better future.
So many people, so many expectations. Everybody wants me to change according to their choice. expectations are good when they kept me going, but when there are too many of them they just become a burden on me, an obstacle. I’m surrounded by so many people that love me because I changed according to their liking. People are never satisfied or happy. They always want something more. If someone wants one thing another person want something else entirely. They say they love me for who I am but who I am is not what they want. They want something else. And all this this time, while I tried to please them all, I lost my identity. I don’t know who I am anymore. What made me special is no longer there. And strangely I can’t seem to remember myself. They lost me and so did I.