Tag Archives: letting go

Fading.

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Sometimes you are overcome will a gripping feeling. It’s like you are screaming but no sound comes out. It’s like someone is binding you, holding you back, restraining you. It feels like your head is about to burst and you feel like crying. You suddenly feel burdened as if your shoulders are supporting the weight of the world. Like your heart is in chains. You feel like breaking the chains and throwing the burden off but there is nothing to throw away. You open your mouth to speak but words desert you. You feel like you are drowning and there are a lot of people there but their backs are to you and not a single sound escapes your mouth. Not one of them turns. And you just keep sinking to the bottom. Silently. Bound in chains, your mouth gagged. You feel the world slip through your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it. You can’t scream, you can’t cry for help. You just watch the world leave you. Everything becomes a blur. And slowly, with each passing moment you fade away, to the blackness of the sea. 

ImagePicture Credits: http://www.newzgrid.com

I Still Remember What I Did Last Summer

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dxgsg

As it is, I happen to be a firm believer in this. Most of us are and we do tend to move on from our horrible pasts and forget about it sooner or later. But there are some of us who have committed such mistakes in our pasts that we find it hard to let go. I have a friend who is suffering from a similar situation. Two years ago, she made a mistake. Though, nobody other than us knows about it, she is unable to forget it or forgive herself for committing it in the first place. She states that forgetting it and moving on won’t change what she did. But regretting over it won’t either. It’s easy to understand that it hasn’t been long since this unfortunate event and it’s quite reasonable for her to be upset over it but for how long does she want to put up with this regret?

She refuses to get into any relationship with any guy or even get close to a guy because as we all know that in a relationship, be it love or just friendship, it can not start with secrets. In order to keep a healthy relationship we have to keep ourselves open. She fears that if she tells somebody about her past, no matter how close they have gotten, the person will not accept herpast and will eventually start hating her for it. It will change their whole perspective about her and she will lose them. This is quite reasonable because not many guys accept a girl’s ugly past. They just can’t accept that there was someone before them. No matter how long ago it happened, it will affect them whether they decide to show it or not and later on in the long run, this topic of discussion will come up in the numerous arguments that they will go through. It’s like a stab of pain whenever they think about it. Same is the case with girls.

Ah girls! Jealous, jealous girls! (Stop smirking, I am one of them!) We (Yes, I’ll speak in first-person now) don’t like the idea of another girl with our guy. The thought is infuriating.  I have to admit, this behavior is quite irrational. I mean what’s happened in the past in is in the past. It’s won’t happen again so we can let go of our held-up breaths. We all need to move on. And moving on doesn’t just mean living on with our life. It means forgetting it. Completely. It may seem hard but we need to realize that the person who we are with right now loves us unconditionally. If he/she was still attached to his past lovers then he would be with them and not with us. It’s as simple as that.

My friend also changed a lot. changes that can be termed both as good and bad. The good part is that she realized her limits with everybody. She knows when to stop when things start to get too far. The bad part, however, is that she realized her limits and backs off abruptly, leaving the person hurt and wounded. She says that these changes have saved her from many situations that could hurt her. Obviously, from what she has been through it is only natural that she is protecting herself but God, she doesn’t have to punish others.

Well, so I had a long conversation with her regarding this topic but the stubborn girl that she is she is adamant on her thoughts. I think that we shouldn’t exactly forget our past but remember it in a good way, so in the future we can avoid such mistakes and make the best out of them. Others’ pasts however are not so significant as they are gone and now we are the ones that matter. Cheers.

dhdj

I will spread my wings and learn to fly.

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I will spread my wings and learn to fly.

Thankyou for it is because of you that I learnt to walk on my own. I needed to do so, because in the end, we are all alone. It’s just me and nobody else because when darkness dawns upon us even our shadows leave our side. We came into this world, alone, and we will leave this world, alone. I don’t want to be dependant on your or anybody for that matter. I learnt to let go without anybody’s support. I can support myself and I will walk under the bare, unlit sky and make the dark journey through life on my own. I will spread my wings and learn to fly all alone.

I am hopeless. (letting it all out)

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I was wrong. About my best friend being the bad guy in my previous post, (Over-reacting? Or Just Insecure), it was my guy-friend. He flirted with her, knowing that I love him and that she is my best friend. My best friend on the other hand was just reacting to him the way she always does. And what’s more; he takes my feelings as a joke.  What’s most annoying is that I keep trying to fool myself and everybody else that he actually loves me. In the end I’m nothing but his second/ alternative choice. When his girlfriend dumps him that’s when he comes to me. I am constantly trying to blind myself from the reality. We always go through the same fights, same conversations. He loves me for 4 days, he forgets me, I get angry and upset, I leave, he comes back to me crying and I accept him, just like that. Am I ever gonna learn? I don’t want to let him go, even though I am aware of his attitude towards me. I keep assuring myself that it’s gonna be okay in the end, he will realize my value, he will realize my true worth and everything will be okay. but I’m not sure if i want to be his leftover, because that is what I really am. Every time. I am so hopeless. I mean, I can’t let go of this one guy. I feel almost scared at the thought of losing him because I think that every girl deserves a guy friend and he is my only guy friend and this sucks so much because I hate depending on someone. I hate it when my mood and my day depends on someone. I absolutely hate it. I mean, why should my mood be affected by someone who doesn’t even care about my feelings. I’d rather stay isolated than depend on anyone. I mean he completely forgets me, as if I don’t even exist. And I always message him first and every time I decide that I won’t but I always end up doing it. It’s like I’m putting all my effort in this friendship and if it wasn’t this we wouldn’t have been friends now. And if I decide to part myself from him (and I do) he just comes back to me asking me to come back to him and that he valued me the most out of everyone and I believe him because I want to. Because I desperately want to believe him. He would rather take some new girl as his girlfriend, he prefers a girl, who doesn’t value him, over me. He flirts with someone who hurts him but I don’t even come close to that category because, like he put it, ‘if we get in a relationship our friendship will be lost.’ I don’t want such friendships. So I just pray to God to give me enough strength to let him go and this time without anyody’s support. I want to learn to walk on my own. 

…you miss her…

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tktk

She waited for you,

you never came.

She cried for you,

you never cared.

She wanted to talk to you,

you were too busy.

She missed you,

you never thought about her.

She needed you,

you were never there.

She wiped her tears,

and smiled.

She stopped missing you,

until she stopped thinking about you altogether.

She let you go,

moved on with her life.

She learned to survive without you,

And now when you finally returned,

She was there no more,

and you miss her.

(You, know what’s really ironic about this? It’s that I wrote this and right after I did so, I got his message saying he was too busy to talk to me. )
 

Victory at Last

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Yes it’s true I have finally achieved victory. Though it’s some of you may not call it a victory but for it’s a big one. Yesterday I left my guy friend.

So, 5 days earlier I had my birthday. And the thing is that I was expecting this friend, Hamza, to remember it and wish my happy birthday. But he forgot. The surprising thing is that this wasn’t as much of a disappointment for me as in the back of my head i knew he would forget. Lately I hadn’t been on the mood to talk to him either because whenever I thought about him i felt this kind of disgust, i don’t know how to put it in words but well I didn’t want to talk to him. He didn’t even apologise for forgetting my birthday. He is such a moron he treats me like shit but at the same time he expected me to stay by his side when he needed me. I mean like seriously? I am not an option. If you want to be my friend respect me. He was so unpredictable I could never know when he would just stop talking. We would be having an awesome conversation but suddenly he would just ignore my message as if he didn’t give a damn. Then yesterday he contacted me on Facebook (he NEVER calls me, I don’t know why) and there he started abusing me, calling me names saying that he had been through and I didn’t care about him. He apologised then saying that he didn’t have the guts to face me after he forgot my birthday but I honestly didn’t want to talk to him and i said so. that is when the name calling started. I was so furious I would rip his head off. He takes me for granted. I told him that a loved him a short time back and now he thinks that no matter what he does I will go back to him. Yeah as if. It’s like I’m his property. He can treat me in whichever way he likes but still I’ll be with him.

And some time back I may have stayed, but this was just too much. I have been tolerating him for too long. He treats every girl with respect then why me? This is so annoying. And the thing is that i have a VERY low self-esteem and whenever i talk to him it gets even lower. I mean dude, I have a life. I am not gonna waste my precious time on some stupid moron like him who doesn’t even give a damn about me. I have been through every hard time with him and this what i get. He believes that he is the only one with problems and not me.

Even now he expected me to apologise to him. Come on. Who do you think you are? there are plenty of people who are worth spending time with. So yesterday I ended it once and for all. this is what I sent him:

Ok we need to clear this ok. Stop pinning this on me because I am not at fault here. Firstly you hardly ever listen to me. Even now you went on about your problems and you didn’t even care about what I had to say. Hamza, you are not the only one with problems ok? I go through a lot of stuff too. But you don’t even care about that. I don’t even share my problems with you anymore because you find it so annoying. And one more thing, stop taking me for granted. Just because I told you that I loved you doesn’t mean I’m your property now. you should know that it took every ounce of what little courage I have. And I knew that you would never accept me in that way. Sometimes I doubt if you ever even accepted me as a friend let alone a bestfriend. Am I just an option for you? If that is what you take me as then believe me I can leave you as a choice. Just because I give importance to you doesn’t mean that I’m free all the time. You treat me like shit and then you expect me to stay. Like seriously hamza? You are the one who is heartless. You know at one point you ignoring me didn’t bother me as much because I thought you were like that with everyone. Then I saw that no I’m the only one being treated like shit. It’s not just about sara, you treat every girl you like with respect and those that respect you, you don’t give a fuck about them. You are so unpredictable, a Person..oh sorry an optional friend, can never know when you are going to ditch them. And if i don’t reply you, you get so sentimental. What right do you have to ask me if i don’t want to talk to you ya if i don’t prefer you? And this is not just about forgetting my birthday it’s a lot more. Because I know you came online that day, it’s just the fact that I’m not so important that you would remember my birthday. Ok if that’s so, fine. And if you think that I would never leave you no matter how bitchy you are to me? Well you’d better think again because I have been forgiving you to the extreme. I can’t take this anymore, I will not push myself further to tolerate anymore of this fucking shit. I have a Very low self-esteem and I’m not gonna ruin what little confidence I have in myself by wasting my time over you. Self-esteem is all a girl has and being one I’m not so stupid to waste my time over you. This is not attitude or an ego issue. This is being sensible and righting the wrongs I have done. 
P.S Happy Birthday

(After this message I left him completely and the strange thing is that now he was trying to make a conversation with me. Now, when his efforts to talk to me don’t matter anymore. God such a dumbass. )

And you know what the best part about all this was? I felt so good after doing this. I was smiling. People supported me  . My two bestfriends, his own bestfriend called him a bastard for me, and another guy friend. They were all there for me and they made me feel so good. This morning when I woke up I smiled because I knew that I had done the right thing and everything will be alright.

Now I don’t know about the future whether I will miss him or not. But for now I’m happy.  And I’m finally feeling good about myself.