Tag Archives: psychology

Heartless.

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Okay so lately, I’ve become this hateful kind of person. My friends call me the hater of the world. And it’s kind of true. I am a hater. I do not normally like people. I mean when I meet someone, my first instinct is to hate that person. Plus I have rash thoughts. I basically want to murder everybody. I can not tolerate much anymore. Not only this, I don’t feel anything anymore either. It’s like I’m numb. I am completely devoid of all feeling. Even if I want to, I don’t feel anything anymore. 

It’s kind of sad. I used to be sweet and kind. I used to be able to feel. Now I’m just awkward waiting for something to happen. But then again, when my friends call me heartless I secretly feel satisfied that now even if somebody tried they wouldn’t be able to hurt me. Their words would make no difference. It was my sweetness that was taken advantage of. My kindness used. My generosity taken for granted. Nobody can damage me now, but the real truth is I’m already damaged. Perhaps far too damaged to be saved.  

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Friday Post #5 Know yourself

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Recently I’ve realized something; you will always feel weak and vulnerable unless you know yourself well and accept yourself the way you are.

Knowing yourself well includes knowing your good and bad qualities, the way you react to certain kinds of people, what are your feelings on certain kinds of occasions. Earlier on I was always more or less surprised at my own reactions at times or confused as to what made triggered such and such reaction in me. However lately I’ve begun to analyze myself a lot. I notice the kind of thoughts that rush into my mind as a reaction to the situation. Though I don’t ponder over it there and then obviously because I am so overcome with emotion but later on I do think about it and I know myself much clearly now.

Accepting yourself for who you are is more or less the most integral part of your personality. When you aren’t ready to accept yourself for who you are you mostly try to change yourself usually around the example of someone else. Which is bad for you. It could break you. It’s what leads to insecurities which again is not good. When you accept yourself for who you are you begin to appreciate yourself for the good qualities in you and try to improve yourself for the bad qualities.

At the end, when you know yourself well you are in control of yourself and you know what kind of reaction you might give and you try to avoid the more violent ones.

Dry my tears

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I tend to believe in fairy tales, unicorns, dream come true and happy moments that are remembered for life. You can’t blame me, its human nature to want exactly what you don’t have or rather what you can’t have. What I feel is like a picture worth a thousand words but something’s are just better left unsaid, unseen, untouched, unheard, undone, forgotten, understood in one’s mind not expressed in one’s words.

You ask for the truth, not in words nonetheless you demand it, and so you deserve it! Though the truth is yet a mystery, for there is no soul inside to know what the body bears, the heart feels, and the mind thinks. I’ve been stricken with proof of past wars I have fought within, behind every scar there’s a battle I have lost. These battles have become the origin of my denial. These are battles that ripped my soul apart. I never let the hurt show but look deep in my eyes. What do you find other than a shattered heart, unshed tears, unspoken words, unanswered  questions, a scarred soul and a broken girl?

I denied this then and I will continue to deny it in the future till eternity, but listen to me when I say this, I am not fine. I’m broken, I’m helpless and I need you, but you are never by my side. Nobody ever is. Who is there for me? To care for me? To dry my tears? And yet, I wait. For you, for someone. But with time, shattered hopes and a broken heart seems like the routine lately. I know you won’t come, but still I like to believe that you will. Because its human nature to fool oneself with happy dreams that may never come true.

And with the passage of time and tears, I have gotten used to dreaming. It’s makes me feel better about life, it gives me a new hope, it’s keeps me going. It’s gives me a break from the hideous reality, to escape to my wonderland Where happiness is no longer rare. So I wipe my tears, plaster a fake, but convincing smile to my face, and move one. It works every time.

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