I’ve come to a point where I no longer trust anybody. I don’t let anybody come close to me. Because trust for me is letting someone come close to you and opening yourself up to them. Exposing yourself to them, letting them see your weaknesses, relying on them, depending on them for your happiness and letting them into your heart. Because when they leave, it feels like they took a piece of you away with them, ripped out your heart, you feel exposed like being stripped naked in front of the whole world and the hollow space they leave where they once resided in your heart, aches and burns like it’s on fire and frankly it seems that way as well. And in the end, all you can do is watch them walk away, while you stand amongst the rubble and wreckage of what was once your soul.
Because, you are my drug and I’m addicted to you ❤
PS. That tumblr address at the corner is my tumblr blog 🙂
So that’s the thing about listeners; they listen to everybody speak but nobody cares to what they want to say. They are there for everybody but when they need someone, there is nobody there.
I was wrong. About my best friend being the bad guy in my previous post, (Over-reacting? Or Just Insecure), it was my guy-friend. He flirted with her, knowing that I love him and that she is my best friend. My best friend on the other hand was just reacting to him the way she always does. And what’s more; he takes my feelings as a joke. What’s most annoying is that I keep trying to fool myself and everybody else that he actually loves me. In the end I’m nothing but his second/ alternative choice. When his girlfriend dumps him that’s when he comes to me. I am constantly trying to blind myself from the reality. We always go through the same fights, same conversations. He loves me for 4 days, he forgets me, I get angry and upset, I leave, he comes back to me crying and I accept him, just like that. Am I ever gonna learn? I don’t want to let him go, even though I am aware of his attitude towards me. I keep assuring myself that it’s gonna be okay in the end, he will realize my value, he will realize my true worth and everything will be okay. but I’m not sure if i want to be his leftover, because that is what I really am. Every time. I am so hopeless. I mean, I can’t let go of this one guy. I feel almost scared at the thought of losing him because I think that every girl deserves a guy friend and he is my only guy friend and this sucks so much because I hate depending on someone. I hate it when my mood and my day depends on someone. I absolutely hate it. I mean, why should my mood be affected by someone who doesn’t even care about my feelings. I’d rather stay isolated than depend on anyone. I mean he completely forgets me, as if I don’t even exist. And I always message him first and every time I decide that I won’t but I always end up doing it. It’s like I’m putting all my effort in this friendship and if it wasn’t this we wouldn’t have been friends now. And if I decide to part myself from him (and I do) he just comes back to me asking me to come back to him and that he valued me the most out of everyone and I believe him because I want to. Because I desperately want to believe him. He would rather take some new girl as his girlfriend, he prefers a girl, who doesn’t value him, over me. He flirts with someone who hurts him but I don’t even come close to that category because, like he put it, ‘if we get in a relationship our friendship will be lost.’ I don’t want such friendships. So I just pray to God to give me enough strength to let him go and this time without anyody’s support. I want to learn to walk on my own.
Is it normal for you to exchange your Facebook passwords with your guy friend? Well, forme something so insignificant as a Facebook password isn’t really a big deal but well he is different and to him it is. Anyhow so we exchanged passwords at the start he had forbidden me to look at his messages but later on he said it was okay and we both read each others conversations and it wasn’t such a big deal because we were open to each other and we trusted each other. But after I read his chat with my best friend, I feel hesitant to log into his ID. See, the other day he called me and he said that he wanted to make her his girlfriend because he felt that she would be serious with him and later that night they were flirting with each other, in a friendly way and they may not have any such intentions but maybe they weren’t and I’m just trying to reassure myself. I just feel so insecure and I have no idea what to do (I have kind of developed feelings for him and she knows about it). Then the other day I logged in to delete some message from our conversation and I read their conversation again and this time he really said it out to her that he would want her to be his girlfriend and she was all armed and ready to flirt. I am kind of stuck here. I have no right whatsoever to talk to either of them about this because 1. I am not his girlfriend to be upset at this and he is not committed to me. 2. I have absolutely no right over them. 3. Who am I the one to poke my nose in their business? 4. What reason do I have to be upset?
As much as I realize all my faults I can’t seem to help the situation. And now, before I log into his ID even for something important I have to think about it at least ten times. And when I do read their conversations depression sweeps over me. I have no idea what to do. Is it really justified for her to flirt with him even as a joke? What if they accidentally fall in love during this whole joke? Or am I just over-reacting? Should I even care about both of them anymore? Am I being a true friend?
Some of us underestimate the people around us. Some of us take them for granted. But some of us are so haunted by our pasts that we become paranoid. It takes a great lot of effort for us to get past are paranoia and start trusting people. With time though, we become more comfortable and start relying on those relationships. We are so into these relationships that we are willing to put in our 100% no matter how much effort it takes and we finally let go of our comfort zones. Sometimes, people take advantage of our efforts and take them for granted thinking that we will be there forever to serve as their past time when nobody else is around. This is what pushes us back into our little shell, which we left after a lot of effort. We are so innocent that we don’t even bother to say a word and just try to fade away, sometimes as a test or a way out without a fuss. What really hurts us is when we finally manage to disappear and the person doesn’t even notice. It was like we were never there. And that is what breaks us and we curl up in a ball in our own little shell hoping to die and vowing to never come out.
I tend to believe in fairy tales, unicorns, dream come true and happy moments that are remembered for life. You can’t blame me, its human nature to want exactly what you don’t have or rather what you can’t have. What I feel is like a picture worth a thousand words but something’s are just better left unsaid, unseen, untouched, unheard, undone, forgotten, understood in one’s mind not expressed in one’s words.
You ask for the truth, not in words nonetheless you demand it, and so you deserve it! Though the truth is yet a mystery, for there is no soul inside to know what the body bears, the heart feels, and the mind thinks. I’ve been stricken with proof of past wars I have fought within, behind every scar there’s a battle I have lost. These battles have become the origin of my denial. These are battles that ripped my soul apart. I never let the hurt show but look deep in my eyes. What do you find other than a shattered heart, unshed tears, unspoken words, unanswered questions, a scarred soul and a broken girl?
I denied this then and I will continue to deny it in the future till eternity, but listen to me when I say this, I am not fine. I’m broken, I’m helpless and I need you, but you are never by my side. Nobody ever is. Who is there for me? To care for me? To dry my tears? And yet, I wait. For you, for someone. But with time, shattered hopes and a broken heart seems like the routine lately. I know you won’t come, but still I like to believe that you will. Because its human nature to fool oneself with happy dreams that may never come true.
And with the passage of time and tears, I have gotten used to dreaming. It’s makes me feel better about life, it gives me a new hope, it’s keeps me going. It’s gives me a break from the hideous reality, to escape to my wonderland Where happiness is no longer rare. So I wipe my tears, plaster a fake, but convincing smile to my face, and move one. It works every time.
I suck at words. Everytime I try to set things right I worsen the situation. I quess I should just keep my mouth shut -_-
Why is it that I’m always surrounded by two-faced, lying hypocrites? They one person to my face but in front of anybody else they become someone else entirely. Sometimes it feels as if I’m on one side, alone, fighting everybody. It’s as if everybody is from this grown up world and I’m from the kiddy world and they can just come to me lie to my face and leave just like that and I would never know the truth. I mean how stupid do I look to you? They think I’m too much an idiot to notice their lies. And sometimes I truly do feel like a dumbass. I mean, I always put my 100% in every relationship. I never keep secrets, avoid miscommunication, I give them time and space, i trust them and believe them blindly and they just go on to prove that I shouldn’t. Sometimes I feel like I’m just another option to all of them, when everybody else in the world is gone they come to me with their problems. It’s not as if I mind them sharing stuff with me, in fact I love it, but why always the bad stuff? Why don’t they ever tell me the good things that happen? And the worst part is that I can’t leave them. I can’t, i just can’t. Even if I do, I’ll just come back. I can’t be heartless and people just go on and take advantage of my weakness, playing with my heart as if it’s some toy that’s in their possession and will stay there forever, which it probably will.