I’ve come to a point where I no longer trust anybody. I don’t let anybody come close to me. Because trust for me is letting someone come close to you and opening yourself up to them. Exposing yourself to them, letting them see your weaknesses, relying on them, depending on them for your happiness and letting them into your heart. Because when they leave, it feels like they took a piece of you away with them, ripped out your heart, you feel exposed like being stripped naked in front of the whole world and the hollow space they leave where they once resided in your heart, aches and burns like it’s on fire and frankly it seems that way as well. And in the end, all you can do is watch them walk away, while you stand amongst the rubble and wreckage of what was once your soul.
Okay so lately, I’ve become this hateful kind of person. My friends call me the hater of the world. And it’s kind of true. I am a hater. I do not normally like people. I mean when I meet someone, my first instinct is to hate that person. Plus I have rash thoughts. I basically want to murder everybody. I can not tolerate much anymore. Not only this, I don’t feel anything anymore either. It’s like I’m numb. I am completely devoid of all feeling. Even if I want to, I don’t feel anything anymore.
It’s kind of sad. I used to be sweet and kind. I used to be able to feel. Now I’m just awkward waiting for something to happen. But then again, when my friends call me heartless I secretly feel satisfied that now even if somebody tried they wouldn’t be able to hurt me. Their words would make no difference. It was my sweetness that was taken advantage of. My kindness used. My generosity taken for granted. Nobody can damage me now, but the real truth is I’m already damaged. Perhaps far too damaged to be saved.
Some of us underestimate the people around us. Some of us take them for granted. But some of us are so haunted by our pasts that we become paranoid. It takes a great lot of effort for us to get past are paranoia and start trusting people. With time though, we become more comfortable and start relying on those relationships. We are so into these relationships that we are willing to put in our 100% no matter how much effort it takes and we finally let go of our comfort zones. Sometimes, people take advantage of our efforts and take them for granted thinking that we will be there forever to serve as their past time when nobody else is around. This is what pushes us back into our little shell, which we left after a lot of effort. We are so innocent that we don’t even bother to say a word and just try to fade away, sometimes as a test or a way out without a fuss. What really hurts us is when we finally manage to disappear and the person doesn’t even notice. It was like we were never there. And that is what breaks us and we curl up in a ball in our own little shell hoping to die and vowing to never come out.