I’ve come to a point where I no longer trust anybody. I don’t let anybody come close to me. Because trust for me is letting someone come close to you and opening yourself up to them. Exposing yourself to them, letting them see your weaknesses, relying on them, depending on them for your happiness and letting them into your heart. Because when they leave, it feels like they took a piece of you away with them, ripped out your heart, you feel exposed like being stripped naked in front of the whole world and the hollow space they leave where they once resided in your heart, aches and burns like it’s on fire and frankly it seems that way as well. And in the end, all you can do is watch them walk away, while you stand amongst the rubble and wreckage of what was once your soul.
Because, you are my drug and I’m addicted to you ❤
PS. That tumblr address at the corner is my tumblr blog 🙂
Okay so lately, I’ve become this hateful kind of person. My friends call me the hater of the world. And it’s kind of true. I am a hater. I do not normally like people. I mean when I meet someone, my first instinct is to hate that person. Plus I have rash thoughts. I basically want to murder everybody. I can not tolerate much anymore. Not only this, I don’t feel anything anymore either. It’s like I’m numb. I am completely devoid of all feeling. Even if I want to, I don’t feel anything anymore.
It’s kind of sad. I used to be sweet and kind. I used to be able to feel. Now I’m just awkward waiting for something to happen. But then again, when my friends call me heartless I secretly feel satisfied that now even if somebody tried they wouldn’t be able to hurt me. Their words would make no difference. It was my sweetness that was taken advantage of. My kindness used. My generosity taken for granted. Nobody can damage me now, but the real truth is I’m already damaged. Perhaps far too damaged to be saved.
I read this saying somewhere that, “Hate is just love gone bad.” At that time I hadn’t given much thought to it. I had no idea how much I would begin to relate to it later in my life. True hate is like a fire that burns inside from the bottom of your heart for that one person. The one person who wrecked you, tore you apart piece by piece. Who could have gotten such access to your heart other that the one you love most? You gave them a chance and opened the doors of ypur heart for them and they entered full loaded with the most deadly weapons. But despite this tragedy, deep down you still love them.
We are all different yet beautiful in our own ways. We are each given unique qualities that define us. Some of us have certain abilites that make us stand out and some of us don’t. But that doesn’t make us any less great nor does it give anybody any reason to hate us. Not everybody can like us and nor do they mattter. The people who matter most are the ones that love us for our differences. Because it is these differences that add color to the black and white world around us. We light up the world with our beauty. We are different yet united. Our differneces should be embraced, rather than shuned. Becuase we color the world and we color it bright and beautiful.
So I learnt a new lesson;
Stay true to yourself and people will love you for it. Be someone else and people (including you yourself) will hate you for it.
She leaned her head against the wall, tears streaming down her face. In her hand her cellphone buzzed at his call. She answered the call.
“Hey,” she breathed. “What happened?”
“I forgot something,” he said his voice tight.
“What?” She said, her breath ragged.
“I love you,” he said and cut the call before she had the chance to reply. And in that moment she knew that she had lost him.
The world is a small place where each individual fights a battle of his own. Some of these battles are right in front of our eyes and we see them clearly. Others are fought behind our backs, alone. They are disguised by smiles that never touch the weary eyes.
As it is, I happen to be a firm believer in this. Most of us are and we do tend to move on from our horrible pasts and forget about it sooner or later. But there are some of us who have committed such mistakes in our pasts that we find it hard to let go. I have a friend who is suffering from a similar situation. Two years ago, she made a mistake. Though, nobody other than us knows about it, she is unable to forget it or forgive herself for committing it in the first place. She states that forgetting it and moving on won’t change what she did. But regretting over it won’t either. It’s easy to understand that it hasn’t been long since this unfortunate event and it’s quite reasonable for her to be upset over it but for how long does she want to put up with this regret?
She refuses to get into any relationship with any guy or even get close to a guy because as we all know that in a relationship, be it love or just friendship, it can not start with secrets. In order to keep a healthy relationship we have to keep ourselves open. She fears that if she tells somebody about her past, no matter how close they have gotten, the person will not accept herpast and will eventually start hating her for it. It will change their whole perspective about her and she will lose them. This is quite reasonable because not many guys accept a girl’s ugly past. They just can’t accept that there was someone before them. No matter how long ago it happened, it will affect them whether they decide to show it or not and later on in the long run, this topic of discussion will come up in the numerous arguments that they will go through. It’s like a stab of pain whenever they think about it. Same is the case with girls.
Ah girls! Jealous, jealous girls! (Stop smirking, I am one of them!) We (Yes, I’ll speak in first-person now) don’t like the idea of another girl with our guy. The thought is infuriating. I have to admit, this behavior is quite irrational. I mean what’s happened in the past in is in the past. It’s won’t happen again so we can let go of our held-up breaths. We all need to move on. And moving on doesn’t just mean living on with our life. It means forgetting it. Completely. It may seem hard but we need to realize that the person who we are with right now loves us unconditionally. If he/she was still attached to his past lovers then he would be with them and not with us. It’s as simple as that.
My friend also changed a lot. changes that can be termed both as good and bad. The good part is that she realized her limits with everybody. She knows when to stop when things start to get too far. The bad part, however, is that she realized her limits and backs off abruptly, leaving the person hurt and wounded. She says that these changes have saved her from many situations that could hurt her. Obviously, from what she has been through it is only natural that she is protecting herself but God, she doesn’t have to punish others.
Well, so I had a long conversation with her regarding this topic but the stubborn girl that she is she is adamant on her thoughts. I think that we shouldn’t exactly forget our past but remember it in a good way, so in the future we can avoid such mistakes and make the best out of them. Others’ pasts however are not so significant as they are gone and now we are the ones that matter. Cheers.