Okay so lately, I’ve become this hateful kind of person. My friends call me the hater of the world. And it’s kind of true. I am a hater. I do not normally like people. I mean when I meet someone, my first instinct is to hate that person. Plus I have rash thoughts. I basically want to murder everybody. I can not tolerate much anymore. Not only this, I don’t feel anything anymore either. It’s like I’m numb. I am completely devoid of all feeling. Even if I want to, I don’t feel anything anymore.
It’s kind of sad. I used to be sweet and kind. I used to be able to feel. Now I’m just awkward waiting for something to happen. But then again, when my friends call me heartless I secretly feel satisfied that now even if somebody tried they wouldn’t be able to hurt me. Their words would make no difference. It was my sweetness that was taken advantage of. My kindness used. My generosity taken for granted. Nobody can damage me now, but the real truth is I’m already damaged. Perhaps far too damaged to be saved.
Why is it that I’m always surrounded by two-faced, lying hypocrites? They one person to my face but in front of anybody else they become someone else entirely. Sometimes it feels as if I’m on one side, alone, fighting everybody. It’s as if everybody is from this grown up world and I’m from the kiddy world and they can just come to me lie to my face and leave just like that and I would never know the truth. I mean how stupid do I look to you? They think I’m too much an idiot to notice their lies. And sometimes I truly do feel like a dumbass. I mean, I always put my 100% in every relationship. I never keep secrets, avoid miscommunication, I give them time and space, i trust them and believe them blindly and they just go on to prove that I shouldn’t. Sometimes I feel like I’m just another option to all of them, when everybody else in the world is gone they come to me with their problems. It’s not as if I mind them sharing stuff with me, in fact I love it, but why always the bad stuff? Why don’t they ever tell me the good things that happen? And the worst part is that I can’t leave them. I can’t, i just can’t. Even if I do, I’ll just come back. I can’t be heartless and people just go on and take advantage of my weakness, playing with my heart as if it’s some toy that’s in their possession and will stay there forever, which it probably will.