Well it’s a little late for Friday post considering it’s Saturday night here but I totally forgot about this and so I’m doing this now.
So, while getting to know myself better I realized that I have a tendency to build barriers against the people I love or those that are close to me. To be honest I think it started during the summer vacations. I don’t know how or why I started doing this but I do know that why I do this now.
It’s actually quite simple: I’m sick of getting hurt. I am just sick of people walking all over me and not realizing it. When I get close to someone I begin to expect things from them. It’s like a create a whole different person made out of expectations. Like a model or statue of clay but I imagine one made of glass. At the heart of this model lies my heart. But the thing with people is that hey love to disappoint. They just come in and break that whole statue, shatter the glass and my heart. And this just keep happening over and over again. It’s like a pattern. I build the statue and they break it.
Well so in order to avoid this heart-break I just cut off the person way before I build any statues and they get any opportunity to break it. I just won’t let anybody get close to me anymore. I know, I know, it sounds stupid but I can’t help it. When you let someone get close to you, when you trust somebody you basically give them the power to break yet you trust them not to. So, why should I give anybody the power to break me? That’s why I build barriers. I simply block the people off. No need to get any closer. Keep your distance. Peace.
PS. I’ll probably elaborate on this later. Right now I am too pissed off to think straight.
Sometimes you are overcome will a gripping feeling. It’s like you are screaming but no sound comes out. It’s like someone is binding you, holding you back, restraining you. It feels like your head is about to burst and you feel like crying. You suddenly feel burdened as if your shoulders are supporting the weight of the world. Like your heart is in chains. You feel like breaking the chains and throwing the burden off but there is nothing to throw away. You open your mouth to speak but words desert you. You feel like you are drowning and there are a lot of people there but their backs are to you and not a single sound escapes your mouth. Not one of them turns. And you just keep sinking to the bottom. Silently. Bound in chains, your mouth gagged. You feel the world slip through your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it. You can’t scream, you can’t cry for help. You just watch the world leave you. Everything becomes a blur. And slowly, with each passing moment you fade away, to the blackness of the sea.
Picture Credits: http://www.newzgrid.com
Recently I’ve realized something; you will always feel weak and vulnerable unless you know yourself well and accept yourself the way you are.
Knowing yourself well includes knowing your good and bad qualities, the way you react to certain kinds of people, what are your feelings on certain kinds of occasions. Earlier on I was always more or less surprised at my own reactions at times or confused as to what made triggered such and such reaction in me. However lately I’ve begun to analyze myself a lot. I notice the kind of thoughts that rush into my mind as a reaction to the situation. Though I don’t ponder over it there and then obviously because I am so overcome with emotion but later on I do think about it and I know myself much clearly now.
Accepting yourself for who you are is more or less the most integral part of your personality. When you aren’t ready to accept yourself for who you are you mostly try to change yourself usually around the example of someone else. Which is bad for you. It could break you. It’s what leads to insecurities which again is not good. When you accept yourself for who you are you begin to appreciate yourself for the good qualities in you and try to improve yourself for the bad qualities.
At the end, when you know yourself well you are in control of yourself and you know what kind of reaction you might give and you try to avoid the more violent ones.
Do we have any mind readers in the crowd? Anyone? Anyone?
No? I thought so. The reason for that is they DO NOT EXIST.
So we all know they don’t exist yet we still believe that our certain friends are mind readers. What I mean to say is that there are people who are sitting miles away from you and they think that without any kind of communication you would automatically know that they are upset/happy. I mean seriously? That is just plain stupid. You are feeling upset, you need someone but they don’t know because you didn’t tell them. If you want someone to be on your side why don’t you just go and tell them that? What’s so wrong in that? All you gotta do is tell them you are upset. The rest is up to them.
Now, if you prefer to keep your emotions to yourself, you should at least have the decency not to blame it on somebody else. You preferred to keep it to yourself, that was your choice. There are people there who don’t need to be told you are upset but that is when you are talking and you seem down. That’s how they figure it out; by the your tone. But that too, only happens when you actually talk. Lack of communication won’t take you anywhere.
A good book + Winter + Under the blankets + Coffee = Paradise.
I am so in love with books that if you were to trap me in a room with no communication with the world outside and good books all around me, I could last very long. It’s just that books fascinate me. The fact that someone somewhere who might even be dead knows you although you have never met them. Their words touch your heart in way actions can’t. Their words have the power to bring you to tears and make you smile and laugh.They are speaking clearly and directly to you. When I’ve finished a good book I feel a sense of being complete and a sadness that it’s over. Books are like best friends, and really good ones too. They never betray you or lie to you. They are there for you even after years of being neglected. To me reading a book is like living another life, on you can return to every now and then during the day. It’s a life you can love over and over again. And frankly speaking, I would choose that life over this one any day.
It’s a shame to see people trying to make money by selling books at unreasonably high prices. I am a Pakistani and trust me when I say this, some people are really big assholes here. There is only one shop that sells original books i.e. The Liberty Bookstore. But even if they wouldn’t be selling books it won’t make much of a difference because they have a lot of god books but those books are so unreasonably expensive that you just get a few seconds to admire then your eyes fall on the price tag and you put it back on the shelf and walk away in shame. If it’s not that then the only option I have is to read them online. But online reading is usually the last option. Online reading is boring. It’s not the same as holding the book in your hand, turning the pages. You can’t even smell them. Plus, most of the books aren’t even available online. So yesterday I went to the Liberty Bookstore and I felt like crying. There was this whole shelf of Young Adult books and they had these amazing books. I have a whole list of books I want to read and they were all there. I have bought some books from there earlier but with time they increased the prices. In my honest opinion, books should be free. Like in libraries. But there aren’t ay good libraries here either. My school library is so outdated, it has books by authors nobody has ever heard of. The good books like The Alchemist, The Lovely Bones, etc that should be available to students are in the teacher’s resources section and banned to the students. I guess there isn’t much of a reading tradition here in Pakistan.
A few years back, my mom said something to me and that sentence still rings in my ear every time I’m about to do something wrong. She said, “Never do such an act that compels you to hide it from your mom.” See every one of has a different point of view about things. For example; for some coming home late is no big deal but for others it is considered a big issue. Our values are related to our surroundings. Our friends and family have the same school of thought. if you are doing something so shameful that you can’t even bother telling your mother or your friends about it then surely it is wrong. They are bound to disapprove of your actions because that is not who you are. Deep down, even you know that what you are doing is wrong which is the main reason why you prefer to keep it a secret. Never do something that contradicts your character. It’s wrong and you know it.
I recently had a couple of counseling sessions with the Co-ordinator of our section which was a result of me doing something that got me in trouble. Anyhow, those two session made me realize something about us. Most of us make descisions according to the people involved rather than our values. Our values are basically the our own personal laws. Often we make descision out of peer pressure or merely to do a favor or please somebody. Those descision usually disagree with our values. I myself have made descisions like those. Dares that I didn’t want to do but I completed them just for the sake of the people around me. We know that what we are doing is wrong yet we silence our conscience and continue to do the wrong because of people. But how important are people when you yourself aren’t important in your own eyes? When you don’t respect your values and yourself then nobody respects you. Because on people’s eyes you are only what you appear to be. True appearances don’t matter, but you don’t need to potray an image that disagrees with your personality delibrately.
By Amanda Wan, keeper of “at musing’s end”