Bestfriend (and me) in DISTRESS! (advice needed; please comment)

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What do you do when you try to steer your best friend in the right path but she refuses to do so and turns against you instead? I know, sounds like a very bizarre and unrealistic situation but it’s kind of what happened today.

Throughout the school year we have been trying to counsel our best friend (let’s call her K) into becoming someone strong enough to support herself. Her problem is that she can’t fight or say no. If a person is being rude to her or hurting her, she won’t utter a single word.  A lot of people bully her and take her fake smile as an advantage. Now don’t think that she doesn’t care because she does. Inside she will be crying and in front of us too but in front of them she will just smile and remain silent. True, silence is the best come-back, but that is to an extent. At one point you will have to fight for your right. She wants to say a lot but she is unable to. Her silence is actually hurting her because people just take her for granted. They will copy her homework and take her for granted. At first she herself won’t refuse to let them copy but later on she is expressing her anger at how much she hates it. Man, if you hate it so much and say no. 

I thinks that she does it not for the sake of helping people of being their friend but to be on their good side. I mean, why would you want to help when you hate it so much and you have cry over it later. This happens with everybody and I am left to hear her cries and solve matters over. I don’t mind the listening part because I like being a listener but it’s not my job to solve her matters.

Whenever something big happens she rushes to my other best friend (S) who is great at giving advices. K will listen and accept the advice but she won’t follow it. She would always want S to do it for her. No this is where the conflict arises. Obviously being her best friends, we are always ready to help her out but we can’t always solve her problems can we? I mean what about a time when she will go off to her practical life, out in the world of the unknown, what will she do then? Because we can’t stay by her side forever can we? We are ready to give her the push and support her from the back but for that she needs to come forward and stand up. We can be her backbone but we can’t fight her battles for her.

We could no longer see her being used and bullied so we took a stand and tried to help her by giving her a lesson both the easy way and the hard way. At first we approached her about it but she wouldn’t budge so we tried the hard way. Throwing off remarks to make her give a comeback. She is improving a lot and learning to stand up and say No. She is changing but also in a negative way. She is starting to think that we are her enemies and she is turning against us. On her own best friends who are trying to help her.

Today, she was going to fill up a bottle of a girl whom she hardly talks to and isn’t even in our class for crying out loud. Again she should have refused to fill up her bottle, I mean why should she do it? Is she a servant or something? Anyhow, so I told her to say no because it isn’t her job. I said that how has the girl ever helped her? What had she ever done for her? And the strangest thing happened. K turned around and said to me in a soft voice with a cunning smile on her face (a very bitchy facial expression and kind of scary too. Reminded of villains in movies) and said, “You haven’t done anything for me either but still I do lot for you.” I was shocked after hearing this. Literally shocked. As far as I can remember, I don’t K ever did something so big for me. I don’t copy her stuff, hell, she completes other peoples work for them and I don’t see her turning against them. I don’t remember her doing something so great for me that she feels so smug about it. Dude that hurt. I have been there by her side at all times no matter what. I listened to her cry about everybody and I settled her matters and this is what I get in return? 

Now the things is what is the use of helping her when she can’t differentiate between her friends and foes? What is the use when she doesn’t know when to fight? What’s the use if she going to turn against her own friends? 

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5 responses »

  1. Here’s what I told my own kids over and over while they were growing up: “The only person you can change is yourself.” I totally understand your desire to help your friend to become a better person, but ultimately, she has to make the decision to change. You can’t do it for it. This is the hard part about having friends. Sometimes you see the things that they are doing wrong and even though you tell them, they keep doing it. I think you and S are awesome friends for wanting to help K. But now it’s up to her. One thing you need to understand, though. If you and S keep fighting K’s battles for her, K will never learn to stand on her own. It’s not helping her – it’s enabling her to continue doing what she has been doing. The best thing you can do as friends is to be there when K stumbles (and she will), offer your friendship and support, but DO NOT go and “fix” her problems for her. And if you want to continue this conversation through email, let me know.

  2. I have a few different thoughts.

    1. You said it yourself; your job is not to solve every one of her problems. Be a friend, and if she wants to talk to you about these kids, listen. But don’t tell her how to deal with it. It is not your job.

    2. What are you talking about…? ‘Silence is the best comeback’? The best comeback is to tell someone you don’t appreciate what they’re doing, and tell the teacher and/or administrators.

    3. What do you expect, ‘turning against us?” If you insult, make fun of, verbally abuse, and make remarks about her, what do you think is going to happen?

    • 1. That is exactly what I am doing.
      2. There are times when it is best to stay quiet than satistfying the fools with your anger.
      3. No no, you don’t get it. She knows why we do it. She just won’t learn.

      • 2. I in no way said you are replying with anger when you do not remain silent. Remaining silent let’s a bully know you can’t take care of yourself.

        3. That is an assumption.

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