I am hopeless. (letting it all out)


I was wrong. About my best friend being the bad guy in my previous post, (Over-reacting? Or Just Insecure), it was my guy-friend. He flirted with her, knowing that I love him and that she is my best friend. My best friend on the other hand was just reacting to him the way she always does. And what’s more; he takes my feelings as a joke.  What’s most annoying is that I keep trying to fool myself and everybody else that he actually loves me. In the end I’m nothing but his second/ alternative choice. When his girlfriend dumps him that’s when he comes to me. I am constantly trying to blind myself from the reality. We always go through the same fights, same conversations. He loves me for 4 days, he forgets me, I get angry and upset, I leave, he comes back to me crying and I accept him, just like that. Am I ever gonna learn? I don’t want to let him go, even though I am aware of his attitude towards me. I keep assuring myself that it’s gonna be okay in the end, he will realize my value, he will realize my true worth and everything will be okay. but I’m not sure if i want to be his leftover, because that is what I really am. Every time. I am so hopeless. I mean, I can’t let go of this one guy. I feel almost scared at the thought of losing him because I think that every girl deserves a guy friend and he is my only guy friend and this sucks so much because I hate depending on someone. I hate it when my mood and my day depends on someone. I absolutely hate it. I mean, why should my mood be affected by someone who doesn’t even care about my feelings. I’d rather stay isolated than depend on anyone. I mean he completely forgets me, as if I don’t even exist. And I always message him first and every time I decide that I won’t but I always end up doing it. It’s like I’m putting all my effort in this friendship and if it wasn’t this we wouldn’t have been friends now. And if I decide to part myself from him (and I do) he just comes back to me asking me to come back to him and that he valued me the most out of everyone and I believe him because I want to. Because I desperately want to believe him. He would rather take some new girl as his girlfriend, he prefers a girl, who doesn’t value him, over me. He flirts with someone who hurts him but I don’t even come close to that category because, like he put it, ‘if we get in a relationship our friendship will be lost.’ I don’t want such friendships. So I just pray to God to give me enough strength to let him go and this time without anyody’s support. I want to learn to walk on my own. 


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