pain | The Story Of My Life

She has that convincing smile plastered to her face as she listens to her bestfriend. Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes but it’s enough to convince her bestfriend. It’s surprising how many people she lies to and how many people believe her lies without any hesitation.

She is breaking inside. It won’t be long before she bursts out crying. The pain, it’s too much isn’t it? But no, she has to stay strong. She has to keep going. She can’t let anybody find out about her breaking heart. Let them believe in her happiness. Let them be fooled. She hopes to get over it soon and move on. But her past won’t let her go. It will keep her in his grasp torturing her. Tormenting her to the extent of the patience. Forcing her to scream out loud.

She wasn’t like this. What is it that has changed her so much? How long does she hope to keep this up? This act? How long will she fool everybody? How long will it take before she finally breaks?

She can put up quite a good show in front of everybody. She can easily fool them with her decieving smile. But she can’t decieve me. She can’t fool me. Who is she you ask? She is the girl in the mirror.

Yes it’s true I have finally achieved victory. Though it’s some of you may not call it a victory but for it’s a big one. Yesterday I left my guy friend.

So, 5 days earlier I had my birthday. And the thing is that I was expecting this friend, Hamza, to remember it and wish my happy birthday. But he forgot. The surprising thing is that this wasn’t as much of a disappointment for me as in the back of my head i knew he would forget. Lately I hadn’t been on the mood to talk to him either because whenever I thought about him i felt this kind of disgust, i don’t know how to put it in words but well I didn’t want to talk to him. He didn’t even apologise for forgetting my birthday. He is such a moron he treats me like shit but at the same time he expected me to stay by his side when he needed me. I mean like seriously? I am not an option. If you want to be my friend respect me. He was so unpredictable I could never know when he would just stop talking. We would be having an awesome conversation but suddenly he would just ignore my message as if he didn’t give a damn. Then yesterday he contacted me on Facebook (he NEVER calls me, I don’t know why) and there he started abusing me, calling me names saying that he had been through and I didn’t care about him. He apologised then saying that he didn’t have the guts to face me after he forgot my birthday but I honestly didn’t want to talk to him and i said so. that is when the name calling started. I was so furious I would rip his head off. He takes me for granted. I told him that a loved him a short time back and now he thinks that no matter what he does I will go back to him. Yeah as if. It’s like I’m his property. He can treat me in whichever way he likes but still I’ll be with him.

And some time back I may have stayed, but this was just too much. I have been tolerating him for too long. He treats every girl with respect then why me? This is so annoying. And the thing is that i have a VERY low self-esteem and whenever i talk to him it gets even lower. I mean dude, I have a life. I am not gonna waste my precious time on some stupid moron like him who doesn’t even give a damn about me. I have been through every hard time with him and this what i get. He believes that he is the only one with problems and not me.

Even now he expected me to apologise to him. Come on. Who do you think you are? there are plenty of people who are worth spending time with. So yesterday I ended it once and for all. this is what I sent him:

Ok we need to clear this ok. Stop pinning this on me because I am not at fault here. Firstly you hardly ever listen to me. Even now you went on about your problems and you didn’t even care about what I had to say. Hamza, you are not the only one with problems ok? I go through a lot of stuff too. But you don’t even care about that. I don’t even share my problems with you anymore because you find it so annoying. And one more thing, stop taking me for granted. Just because I told you that I loved you doesn’t mean I’m your property now. you should know that it took every ounce of what little courage I have. And I knew that you would never accept me in that way. Sometimes I doubt if you ever even accepted me as a friend let alone a bestfriend. Am I just an option for you? If that is what you take me as then believe me I can leave you as a choice. Just because I give importance to you doesn’t mean that I’m free all the time. You treat me like shit and then you expect me to stay. Like seriously hamza? You are the one who is heartless. You know at one point you ignoring me didn’t bother me as much because I thought you were like that with everyone. Then I saw that no I’m the only one being treated like shit. It’s not just about sara, you treat every girl you like with respect and those that respect you, you don’t give a fuck about them. You are so unpredictable, a Person..oh sorry an optional friend, can never know when you are going to ditch them. And if i don’t reply you, you get so sentimental. What right do you have to ask me if i don’t want to talk to you ya if i don’t prefer you? And this is not just about forgetting my birthday it’s a lot more. Because I know you came online that day, it’s just the fact that I’m not so important that you would remember my birthday. Ok if that’s so, fine. And if you think that I would never leave you no matter how bitchy you are to me? Well you’d better think again because I have been forgiving you to the extreme. I can’t take this anymore, I will not push myself further to tolerate anymore of this fucking shit. I have a Very low self-esteem and I’m not gonna ruin what little confidence I have in myself by wasting my time over you. Self-esteem is all a girl has and being one I’m not so stupid to waste my time over you. This is not attitude or an ego issue. This is being sensible and righting the wrongs I have done.
P.S Happy Birthday

(After this message I left him completely and the strange thing is that now he was trying to make a conversation with me. Now, when his efforts to talk to me don’t matter anymore. God such a dumbass. )

And you know what the best part about all this was? I felt so good after doing this. I was smiling. People supported me . My two bestfriends, his own bestfriend called him a bastard for me, and another guy friend. They were all there for me and they made me feel so good. This morning when I woke up I smiled because I knew that I had done the right thing and everything will be alright.

Now I don’t know about the future whether I will miss him or not. But for now I’m happy. And I’m finally feeling good about myself.